I stayed...

Never have I wanted to leave India so badly.  

While Alicia prepared to leave, I also started to pack. I was wishing that I could leave too... obviously, I didn't. However, in that moment all I wanted was to be in comfortable place, with comfortable people and I didn't want my "comfortable person/friend" to leave.  For six years I have joyfully traveled to India, but this time it felt like too much.  India is dusty and dirty but in the past my eyes never saw any of that. They only saw beauty...beauty in saris, faces, hearts, etc.  This year I couldn't see the beauty.  I knew the problem wasn't really in India but in my heart. All I wanted was to crawl in my bed and console myself until I felt better.  

In the back of my mind was a tiny whisper that seemed to challenge my desire to leave - a tiny whisper that challenged me to engage in a healing journey that didn't lead to my bed as comfort, but rather, finding comfort in God. I really doubted it would work...but, IT IS!!  :)  Not a fast change but a slow one. Slowly, I have been reminded that I do serve a faithful God and he is ready and waiting to meet me as soon as I come willingly to him.  I see beauty again! 

India or BUST!

We are in a plane! That might be a miracle!  I know we have been planning this for months and really started dreaming of it years ago but......   Probably five times in the last 6 weeks I fully believed it wouldn't  really happen (including yesterday). So, that is where my prayer requests begin. Yes, I need prayer for safe travel, connections with people, and effective training times but, what I really need is to begin to retrust and be responsive to God's voice. I analyze, critique, and over think... I want to learn to trust!  As I mentioned in my last message, I am tired. The school year had a rough end and I need refilled. I have always entered India in "overflow mode" giving and connecting came easy... While I feel better as I sit here typing This year I feel like it's going to take manna every morning and pray to be as "on" and as present as I want to be. That's a good thing. I'm ready to learn to trust and practice dependence. Please pray that I embrace what will unfold instead of shrinking back to my usual functioning.

UGH!!!

  “You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, I told him, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.” Reading Lolita in Tehran


   Ugh, someday, at sometime I will write about my summer plans.. everyone is asking.  But right now, I just want to be where I am...and I feel heavy, sad, and confused.  I'm trying to be excited and anticipate new opportunities but right now it doesn't feel good.  I think I should stay here (in the USA), but at this moment, I want to go (to India).  I love loving people.  I know to really love them, you have to be invested long term and not just hop in and out each summer. Yet I know that I do encourage them and in return I am encouraged and right now, I want that really bad, in the deepest part of my heart.  Nothing seems right, nothing fits.  It sounds dramatic maybe but that's how it feels. Ugh! 

Happy Birthday!

When I was here in June, the ladies asked how old I was ..... so I returned the question.  Many of the women said they didn’t know.  They didn’t know how old they were or when their birthday was.  I figured they probably never had a birthday party… BUT....everyone needs a birthday party.  So, today we had one.  We sang happy birthday and fed each other cake.  While it IS tradition to smear frosting all over people’s faces, I don’t think I would have been brave enough to start.  But they did.   What fun!! We all left with cheeks smeared in cake.  Happy Birthday Ladies!  

A Good Night and......a Better Picture

I  posted an awful picture the other day claiming it was wonderful, because of the night it represented.  I tried to write more of a story to go along with it but there isn’t really much of a story.  It was a simple night.  We didn’t share fancy food or drink.  We had Coke and crackers. We didn’t go anywhere. We just sat and talked.  But it was just one of those nights where things click. 
After a month of building relationships - there comes a time when it just works - and conversation flows freely (translated easily) and laughter happens.  We talked about the work happening in her life and how amazing it is.  We heard how her life is being transformed from sad and heavy to joyful.. and then, I guess, I asked a forbidden question.  I asked her to tell her “love marriage” story. When I wasn’t satisfied with the one sentence version I pressed for more.  With nudging by her niece, she relented and shared - with giggles escaping.  Her smile is infectious.. I think we all love that about her.  You just feel comfortable in her home. I could comment about the home to give a clear picture of the setting  but I won’t because that really wasn’t the important part.  The important part was the sharing and the friendship built a world away.  We stopped for a just a quick visit but lingered past dark and then walked home. We all had hearts full and our souls were fully encouraged.. that’s the important part. 

UPDATE

Lauren has been out of communication for a bit due to no internet/no electricity. Wants everyone to know that she is doing well and has many stories to share. (mom)

The Good Stuff

This year I thought I would only post good pictures… this clearly is not a good picture..but it captures the best of nights.  So that makes it wonderful!

Why Do You Teach?

This year, I am finding teachers in need of encouragement.  They often leave home to live in other states and/or travel long distances to teach some very needy children.  I hope these words encourage their hearts... Really, it is true for all teachers. 

Why Do You Teach?

I am not sure why you do this job

You make such little pay.

You have to teach so many children

And travel far each day.

It certainly can’t feel worth it

When students don’t seem to understand -

When they haven’t done their homework

And nothing goes as planned.

Most parents never help them

Those kids are the most frustrating kind

They have no shoes, wear dirty clothes,

And they never seem to mind.

But I am guessing just like me

Those aren’t the reasons that you teach.

I am guessing that you dreamed

Of the lives that you would reach.

I am guessing you felt called  here

He only asks the best

To lead and guide his children -

You must have been up for the test.

So when I watch you teach

I want you to know what I see

Sometimes you need to be reminded

By an outsider like me.

 

I see children

Each with a story to tell.

Some already have it difficult,

Life may not have started well.

Sometimes it’s the ones

That seem the hardest to teach

Who are the ones

We most need to reach.

For when they come to school

They have the chance to learn something new,

Not just reading and arithmetic

But that they’re valued too.

 

I see teachers

With lessons they must teach

And every word that they speak

Affects the lives they’re sent to reach.

Little eyes are always watching.

Little hearts sense your love.

The way that you conduct yourself

Is the first example of your compassion and love.

I see hope!

As hopeless as it once seemed -

With an education anything is possible

And kids can dream any dream.

Each child is different.

You teach and they will grow.

Some will struggle but don’t give up,

Who knows how far they’ll go.

  

Of course some days are difficult

And you wonder what you're doing here.

But nothing is impossible

And God is always near.

Just meditate on His word

He has called you to this place

And what once seemed impossible

You will find you are able to face.

I am privileged to share the title of “teacher” with so many amazing people who educate children.

Dancing

I searched everywhere for a peacock with its feathers up.. I was told peacocks only dance where they feel safe… only then will they feel comfortable enough to live in the glory for which they were created.  True.. isn't it?

Road Trip

This is the road trip for which we left a day late…

 due to my fever they said we should wait.

This is my travel companion thank goodness she came… 

without a friend on this journey I just might complain.

This the spot where one hour in.. 

the vehicle stopped and would not start again.

This is the hose that sprung the leak.. 

causing us not to reach the school till mid week.

But while you are waiting - might as well meet someone new, 

which is especially easy when everyone’s watching you.

So these are the women planting the rice, 

who stopped for a photo.. Wasn't that nice?

These are the men who offered to help push the car,

 but it was not possible 6k is just too far.

This is the balloon we hoped would mend the hole 

but the balloon and the tape couldn't accomplish the goal.

With the help of the balloon we moved a few feet

 but when we stopped again we were smack in the heat.

With water low and heat so very hot.. 

I wanted to guzzle but I tried not to drink a lot.

This the shop where we went and sat.

 We found water and chips.  I was so thankful for that.

There was other food they said that I shouldn't try.

 If you watch the cooking process long enough you will understand why.

This is the driver who tried to save the day. 

  He thought he could fix it so he sent the rescue car away.

More time passed and it was not to be.  

So he called them again and we hope they reach us by three.

So for now people watching is all there is to do.. 

and to record this adventure and tell it to you.

So this is the story as we sit here and wait.

 Adventures in India are always great.

Who's Coming to Dinner?

So here are my thoughts.. it’s a swirl of things wrapping their way into one. 

I am reading a book called Bread and Wine. It’s about the life, laughter and the friendship that happen when you join together for a meal, around a table.  It is inspiring me to want to do that more...to have a house where old and new friends gather to cook and share a meal. This book makes me want to savor foods and savor life.

Paralleling that, I have been witnessing a beautiful thing in India, where I am staying.  Each week a group of people visit neighboring slums.  They visit, talk, and encourage.  Many of us try that.  We step into circles (different than are own) and engage in a “service project” for a little while before stepping back out and going on our way.  But what I am observing here and what I love is that the involvement doesn't stop there.  It is much more inclusive.  Meals are shared, kids play together, and homes are visited.  The walls that divide shrink.  When you eat and fellowship together - the walls that divide begin to crack. I like that.. and I love watching it.

I woke up this morning to unending news feeds about the Trayvon Martin case.  Since I am currently in India I have not had much access to U.S. news so I have heard nothing of the trial. All I know is what I am seeing on Facebook and I know the trial has raised a lot of questions and here is mine. How do we change our communities? I am going to suggest something that may seem insignificant in light of a much larger problem…but what if it starts with having dinner… because I believe this....

"Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding."  –Albert Einstein. 

I have to imagine that understanding begins by talking - and where better to talk than around a table filled with food. I am hoping this is not a passing phase in my heart.  Soon school will start and busyness will begin.  It is easy to settle into a routine.  But I am praying my routine begins to include more meals around my table with old and new friends. 

So, who’s in… who's coming to dinner?

Today

While I am sure last night’s sickness cannot really be blamed on rice.. rice is the last thing I want to eat right now and I am in the wrong country to be having this issue because rice is a twice a day staple.  I have prided myself on my tough stomach. In five years of coming to India I have never gotten sick.  I guess my streak is over.  I felt certain last night that I would still be fine to got to school today but after breakfast I was still feeling achy, tired, and weak.. so, I spent most of the day in bed except for one brief trip to the store.  The only thing I was craving was soft serve vanilla icecream.  Probably not the best get well food but it sure hit the spot.  Tonight I am going to spend some time visiting with my new Australian friends.  They live in another part of India but have been visiting here for a few days.  I have so much appreciated their fellowship and will miss them when they leave tomorrow.  

Belly Laugh

When I entered the house, the old man in the corner didn’t even look my direction.  He uttered no sound as I was introduced to everyone else.  I figured the years had simply taken their toll.  Several minutes into the visit his son stood over him speaking in Hindi.   The old man’s eyes slowly turned to look at me and he let out a deep belly laugh.  “I told him you were American,” his son said. “He has never seen one before.…only on T.V.”   I am happy to be his first.

Just Being

 

I saw this on another blog but it just fits. It fits here when I show up in an unsuspecting house of Hindi speakers. It fits when I am in the U.S. and I enter a room filled with fast talking Arabic women. It fits when I smile and try to guess about a conversation. And it fits when out of those times when I think that I am really doing nothing...relationship begins. Sometimes it is just about being....I like that.

They are speaking Arabic. And I know absolutely no Arabic words, so I smile and nod a lot. I wonder why I’m here.

I excuse myself and wander over to the kid’s bedroom, but they are engaged in a video game and barely acknowledge my presence, so I go back to Najah’s room, and I sit. Smile and nod.

 I sit here feeling useless and helpless, and it occurs to me that this is okay.  It occurs to me that grace opens a door nothing else can open. I don’t have to be useful and helpful all the time. The one thing I worry I'll risk if I’m not— love and acceptance—is already a given. I don’t have to perform, to contribute anything. I don’t even have to know what’s going on. I can just be here. And I think Najah, without hearing any words to this effect, understands.

Signs of Promise

The road to reach the house we visited was winding. There were high walls on both sides of the narrow walkway we traveled. We passed door after door after door - many opened, portals leading to one room dwellings. While I didn’t want to invade privacy, I couldn't help but notice people cooking, sleeping, playing, washing...a glimpse into their lives. Some faces jerked, heads snapping and eyes wide, as they saw a white face passing...others never noticed.  After several turns we ducked inside one of the doors. The kitchen utensils lined one wall.  A raised platform in the corner served as a bed at night, a table at meal time, and a work space during the day.  But what I loved seeing were the signs of promise.  Several shelves were built into the wall and they were STACKED with books.  There was one stack for each of the five children in the home.  Three of the children are young, still in grade school, but two are pursing higher degree in a university.  Hope can rise anywhere and everywhere....and even right here....in this very home.
Way to go mom and dad for encouraging your daughters.. Way to go girls - I can’t wait to see who you will become.  I am reminded once again of the value of an education.  When you can read, and you have the confidence to believe in your potential, all things are possible. 

Engaging

I made a mistake today.. I think it is one I make frequently.  I keep choosing disengagement.. and from now on, I will stop.  A friend went to a baby orphanage today and rocked sweet newborn babies.  I opted to stay home. I was tired. I’m still jet-lagged.  It’s a reasonable excuse and rest IS good.. but I didn’t really rest.  I did rest a bit, but much of the day I spent on Facebook reading about what is going on thousands of miles away, when right outside my door is a world from which I chose to disengage.

 

I used to have a sign in my classroom that said, “Do the BEST thing.” I wanted it to be a saying that I upheld. I think I need to remember that.

Sometimes, the “Best Thing” really is checking Facebook. I like knowing what’s going on.  Sometimes the best thing is editing pictures.  I love posting beautiful things.  Sometimes the best things is rest… and when rest is needed it SHOULD be taken.  Today, I did need some quiet downtime but now, at the end of the day, I realize how little time I spent engaged in what I actually needed.  AND.....I spent no time rocking sweet little ones.  Tomorrow if I need to rest.. I am really going to rest. If I need to read and to process, to think, or to pray I am really going to do that.  I am going to "Do the BEST thing" .. and hopefully, I will be more engaged.  Because India is a pretty great place..there are so many opportunities to engage...the United States offers many as well. :  )

Rest Day

I am tired to the core and thankful for a day of rest.  My day was supposed to be filled with all of my favorite activities, so despite my aching arms and tired eyes, I would have tried to do them all… because I love it!  Yet, it is probably o.k. that everything was cancelled.  I have laid around all day trying to catch up on sleep.  I know jet lag has hit every year but I just don’t have time for it this year.  I only have one week to see so many great people before I head north.   I'm trying to stay present in the moment and hoping for short periods of time with many, many people.  I'm hoping their hearts are as encouraged as mine.  Tonight, I am heading out with some friends for dinner and shopping.  Should be fun.. hopefully I'll stay awake. I should at least be well rested. 

and....if there was any doubt.. I still LOVE IT!

And.. there was doubt (a lot of it).  I had a good school year, so I wasn't sure why I felt so worn out leading up to this trip.  All I wanted was a summer at the pool.  I wanted to lay around, sit in the sun, drink ice coffee, and do NOTHING.  It took me forever to commit to purchasing tickets this year.  For a variety of reasons I kept putting it off.  The closer I got to summer, the more thoughts of not coming to India really seemed to gain momentum - worthy of my consideration. I have for sure had moments of panic before but this year wasn't like that, just an un-ending "I don't want to go!!" feeling.  I kept assuring myself it would be fine once I got here.  ...  AND guess what.....IT IS!!

Today was SO nice.  I was able to visit a village of women I enjoy so very much.  We sat on porches, in doorways, and by outside fire pits, sharing stories from the year...heartaches and joys.  Joys including the birth of a sweet, three day old, little" peanut".  Usually, translated conversations are awkward but not today.  It just flowed.
I like that!

Today ended with a "Bread and Wine" kind of night. Bread and Wine is a book I am reading now.  I would recommend any book by this author... I have referred to her before. This book is a celebration of life around the table.... cooking, eating, and sharing lives. Tonight was that kind of night...three ladies, three countries, a table of good food, and time together.

Now I am back in my room. I am sitting here tonight with a contented heart.  Thankful for the way I GET to spend my summers and thankful that I get to do it all over again tomorrow. 

I  made it.. India round 6.

I love people watching and airports are good for that... two airport watching moments I must share.

 1.   I love it when people catch me off guard and change my thinking.  First thing yesterday morning, a couple was waiting for a plane.  The husband, a tough looking older guy, long beard and deer print shirt leans over and gives his wife Eskimo kisses! Didn't expect that.

2. An older lady walks into that bathroom as I was looking in a full length wall mirror trying to do something with my hair.  She spoke no English but gestured to the mirror.  I figured she wanted to check her dress so I stepped to the side, thinking we could share.  She proceeded to walk straight into the wall.  I am guessing she thought it was the walkway leading to the bathrooms.. those mirrors can be tricky. : ) .. don't worry, I turned her around and got her heading in the right direction. 

Dear People of India,

You ask me all of the time to remember you.  Do you know how often  you are on my mind and in my heart?  I think about you all the time, I cannot forget.  I think about you when I do something that I love and I imagine how much fun we would have if you could be here doing it with me.  I think about you when I eat something delicious. I wonder if you would like it and I am guessing usually, that you have not tried it. I think about you when I am wasteful.  I wonder if somehow I/we were less wasteful or consumed less whether you would have more.  I think about the time you taught me to dance or showed me how to prepare tea.  I love the times where we speak without words....sometimes having conversations that look more like charades and other times just letting our hearts speak and our hands hold each other's for a minute.  I love how over time these little moments led us to be friends and I am grateful for that.  I think about those moments often.  I think about how excited you were and how hard you laughed when I tried to speak Telugu and I hope next time to know a little more.    I think about you when I feel ungenerous and I don’t want to share my time....I remember how generously you shared yours.  I think about how highly you value my prayers.....especially on the nights I forget to pray and I think it would hurt you a little bit to know that.  I think about you when I run.  I hate running so I try as hard as I can to picture being in your villages or at your schools. When I can picture being there I can enjoy the run a little bit (sometimes I hate running so much that it is hard for even you to help with that… but, it seems to help the most). I picture you when I teach my small class and when I see my cupboards of stuff.   I admire how you teach so many and that you choose to have big classes because you know the power of education.  I think about you when I get frustrated with children and people.  I picture the way I see some of you love and I want to be more like that.  I think of you when I get overwhelmed by serving and want to stop.  I think about your commitment to serve.  When the day goes too fast I think of you. At those times I think of how I am when I am with you how my pace is slower and my mind less stressed.  I like me like that.  I like being calm enough to see the beauty God has in that moment.....instead of worrying about the next.  I think about you when I buy things.  I think about how my living with less might allow someone to live with a little more.  Sometimes it is difficult to buy myself something new (I think this might drive my shopping partners a bit crazy but I can’t help it).  Sometimes I wish I could get over that part.  But really, I hope I never do. I want to stay changed.  I think about you when I am lonely or sad and I miss your company.  I talk about you to anyone who will listen.  I tell them how much I admire you and how much you mean to me.  Sometimes I talk about you so much that I fear it makes those around me feel a little bad.  I feel a bit sad for people who will never get to know you, never sit inside your home, and never hear your heartfelt worship and testimonies or be the recipient of your wonderful hospitality.  When I try to share - my words just can’t explain how it moves my heart.  It is hard to think about what my life would be like if I lived with you all the time.  I often wish I was brave enough to just do it but I am not.. at least not yet.   I wish that I trusted God the way you do. Many of you have given up much to pursue what you believe.   I wish I had faith like that. I admire you!  I think about you when I lay in bed since I know many of you who have never had a bed.  When I lie awake at night I pray for you.  I wonder what you are doing and if maybe God woke me up just to lay you on my heart because at that very moment you needed prayer.  You have changed me you are in me and I am better when I am with you. I just wanted you to know.